Maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s my incessant obsession with Sex and the City, or maybe it’s because I’m listening to the soundtrack from The Notebook … But, I’m in that mood. The kind of mood that makes you dream of Mr. Right, dwell on Mr. Wrong, and wonder how anyone can ever truly say that they are in fact “head over heels in love.”
When it comes to the game of love I really do wind up head over heels. Ass up, face down, dignity sprawled in disarray for every passerby to revel in, ending in my inability to ever really let someone in. The only way a man has been let in on my life recently is through the entrance between my legs. The entrance to my heart is a little harder to break into, not to mention the highly paid doorman I have guarding it.
I gave it away once. It was at the end of that travesty that I decided higher security measures were in order. The simple one lock keyhole wasn’t doing the job. It always surprises how easily we give ourselves up. An attractive man tells us that we are witty and we leap into bed with them. A charming fellow holds your hand, whispers sweet nothings in your ear, and clings to your body as you fall asleep … next thing your know you have given him your heart only to have him shit all over it when he finds a skinnier, prettier version of you.
I know that it’s foolish of me to think that a key, and a very strong doorman are going to keep my head from winning out over my heart. After all it seems that my heart has a very creative mind of its own.
After my one failed attempt at giving my beloved away, it was quickly returned to its cubby, a little smaller, a little more experienced, and of course … broken. Over the past 8 months I have been at war with myself, trying to make its beats match the pace of my life. Trying to coax it back to the way I function.
So, as I said … It’s foolish of me to think that a few protective measures are going to keep me from making the silly mistakes all over again. But, when you lose yourself once to someone who so clearly didn’t deserve you, what do you have left?
I’m well aware that it will take more than a key to get my seemingly fragile self up on it’s own again. Let us not be too hasty though, after all a key is the very ticket to open a new door. New doors await us, new experiences are on the horizon, and another heartbreak is right around the corner. Buckle up, hang on tight, and never look back.