lovin'

For as long as I can remember I have been the ever so emotional, lovestruck seeking, falls head over heels in an instant kind of girl. Maybe, it’s because I’m getting older, maybe it’s because I found out that I won’t be able to have a family of my own. But, something has changed in me over the past couple months. I have become completely detached from every person that is in my life, almost as if my heart has become incased in a solid brick of ice. And as much as I try to chip away at the edges, I only feel the ice getting stronger and more durable. 

Mr. Santorini, my Greek lover, is leaving for an 8 month journey around the world. He will hit Hong Kong, Thailand, India, Greece, and England. The word jealous can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling about all of it. But, yesterday when we finally decided to have the “talk” about what will happen when he leaves, my exact words were “peace out.” Apparently I couldn’t think of anything more poetic to encapsulate our time spent together over the past few months. If this were the old me, I would have been a puddle seeking his approval to have things continue throughout the semester. Even if it meant an occasional skype call at 4 in the morning, or long drawn out e-mails, clinging to whatever it is that we have. This new girl brushed it off. I haven’t shed one tear over this entire situation. Which is something I can’t even begin to wrap my head around.  

Am I acting this way because I don’t have real feelings for him, or has my heart simply become stone? 

Sometimes being a best friend is more work than is anticipated with the title. I recently found out that my very best childhood friends boyfriend is seeking attention from other ladies via text message. Maybe it’s the advancement in technology that is causing things to become lost in translation. Like when you’re a kid and an unwanted pop-up comes up on your computer just as your mother is walking into the room … needless to say it’s usually an ad for some new sex toy or pornographic promotion. That’s a time when ones actions are defined by something that is out of their control.

So, do I simply assume that this is one of those “situations” or do I take matters into my own hands, only to devastate my friends love live and potentially hinder our future relationship. Or, should I just stop being selfish thinking only of my relationship with her, and just tell her so she can make the decision for herself.

To make matters worse, the informant of information was Mr. Santorini himself. Things have been going so well between the two of us, and I fear that by me telling my friend of her boyfriends careless activities it could come full circle and bite my relationship with Mr. Santorini in the ass.

There is only one word to describe all of this nonsense. FUCK.

While I’m typically full of philosophical insight and incandescently voiced opinions I’m all out of words for this one.

Words of advice are open and openly accepted.

Is honesty really the best policy?

“Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest at the same time. At my actual age I should need some continuity, sameness of life – can that exist under our circumstances? Angel, I just hear that the post goes out every day – and must close therefore, so that you get the letter at once. Be calm – love me – to-day – yesterday.

What longing in tears for you – You – my Life – my All – farewell. Oh, go on loving me – never doubt the faithfullest heart

Of your beloved

Ever thine.

Ever mine.

Ever ours.

A moment can never be truly candid until thoughts are spewed from the mouth like wildfire. Leaving the listener only to be immersed in the delicate delight of honesty. Equivalent to the kodak photographs, an honest word paints the clearest, most accurate picture for the people that we are. It’s not statuesque, it’s not forced, it’s irreparably real.

The world that we live in can only be described as “mechanical.” The ability to be free is there, but people only take those liberties in the comfort of their homes, with the people that we have grown comfortable with. It’s rare that the truest emotions are shared amongst an acquaintance. We live our lives hidden by computer screens and smart phones that we forget the one real act of love doesn’t come from a delicately crafted e-mail or a thoughtful picture posted to someone’s Facebook wall, real love comes in the form of honest and true, uncensored, unparalleled, can’t believe the words are actually coming out of my mouth moments.

If we continue to tailor our speech to be eloquent and thoughtful we are only hurting those around us. It’s nonsensical. How will anyone come to terms with who each other are if their identities are being curtained by societal norms.

Break the mechanical boundaries, and whisk aside the drapes. Tell the one you love that you love them.

Don’t think.

Just speak.

Be honest.

Be true.

But, most of all stay you.

Love isn’t about losing yourself, it’s about immersing yourself into the world of another. Creating a place that you can both dwell, strive, and ultimately find unconventionally sublime bliss.