For as long as I can remember I have been the ever so emotional, lovestruck seeking, falls head over heels in an instant kind of girl. Maybe, it’s because I’m getting older, maybe it’s because I found out that I won’t be able to have a family of my own. But, something has changed in me over the past couple months. I have become completely detached from every person that is in my life, almost as if my heart has become incased in a solid brick of ice. And as much as I try to chip away at the edges, I only feel the ice getting stronger and more durable.
Mr. Santorini, my Greek lover, is leaving for an 8 month journey around the world. He will hit Hong Kong, Thailand, India, Greece, and England. The word jealous can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling about all of it. But, yesterday when we finally decided to have the “talk” about what will happen when he leaves, my exact words were “peace out.” Apparently I couldn’t think of anything more poetic to encapsulate our time spent together over the past few months. If this were the old me, I would have been a puddle seeking his approval to have things continue throughout the semester. Even if it meant an occasional skype call at 4 in the morning, or long drawn out e-mails, clinging to whatever it is that we have. This new girl brushed it off. I haven’t shed one tear over this entire situation. Which is something I can’t even begin to wrap my head around.
Am I acting this way because I don’t have real feelings for him, or has my heart simply become stone?